Greetings,
I could use some advice on how to repair the relationship I have with a peer (we report to the same manager.) We were hired within a month of each other, and have held the same title for the past year and half. I will be getting a new title in the near future, which she has just recently learned about. She is extremely disappointed because she feels that she has been under-recognized all along and that my promotion is basically a slap in the face after she has only been given the small (and completely normal in our field) annual raise.
She is a great team member, very smart and efficient and very ambitious. We both get good results. I think the main reasons for my promotion are my willingness to voluntarily work extra hours (of which she is not fully aware), higher level of job-related education, more years of experience in the field, and the efforts I have put in in the past 6 months to develop a strong working relationship with our manager (using his preferred communication style, keeping him updated, etc.) Our manager first mentioned his plan to promote me five months ago, but I also recently had an offer from another firm which ultimately pushed the process along. I suspect that my coworker feels I have done something devious and manipulative to get the new title, and I fear that she no longer trusts me.
She is a high I and D and I'm a high S. Following MT DISC guidance, I've tried to build a strong relationship with her previously by watching for opportunities to give her compliments for her accomplishments, and by lending a willing ear when she wants to talk. I fear these actions could seem insincere and patronizing now that she has been blind-sided. Do I just need to be patient and give her time to adapt to this change, or is there something I can do or say that would help?
Many thanks for your thoughts!
Peer relationship damage - is there repairing to be done?
I am not sure there is repairing to be done. From what you have written it is fair enough that she is disappointed, but you have not written anything that tells us that this disappointment has been translated into bad behaviour on her part and a damaged work relationship between you and her.
You may be reading too much between the lines. My opinion is that if you have been able to built a close relationship with her over the period you have been working together do talk to her openly how she feels about it and perhaps give here some hints of what you have done that was able to help you get the promotion so that perhaps she can get it too in the near future? For example, share with her the Disc model, or other tool to help her advance on her career too. If you do not have an open relationship with her, my suggestion is not to talk about it and concentrate on the behaviour, yours and hers. Make sure you mantain respect for her and be a bit complacent perhaps if she slips off due to her disappointment and frustration (meaning be perceptive, do not engage in responding to her inmediately and specially not in front of others if she for example "attacks" you as you know where this is coming from). In time if you are honest and fair, you keep putting positive input to your emotion account (Steve Covey), she will get over it. She will see you are not the one to blame for (if there is anyone actually to be blamed for).
Take a look at the manager-tools podcast on Peer One-on-one, "fifteen minutes a week to talk to your peers about work related staff that is important to them". Try to continue or implement those on a regular basis.
You can not change how she behave and much less change how she feels. Concentrate on your behaviour and as part of this behaviour I do encourage open and direct communication with her not to let small problems and misunderstandings grow into big ones. I do agree it is not good for the work environment to have people feeling envious about each other or feeling someone has been unfair to them. There is one thing I do tell people that work with me though: "that persons work situation is that persons work situation and it has nothing to do with yours", meaning you work for your promotion and don´t worry if somebody else got one, people should not be comparing their performance to the others (exactly as you write, people don´t know all the others are doing), this is a left over from high school comparison of people´s performances. So this is something she will have to work on herself.
As long as you are in peace with yourself with what you have done to get the promotion, don´t worry about what she things, and much less about what you SUSPECT she things. From what you have written, she may just be disappointed with her boss, with her work, with the situation, with herself, not necessarily and probably not with you. Enjoy the promotion. Congratulations! And if she is a good person and at peace with herself she will be happy for you too!
Peer relationship damage
Bottom line: The only course for you to take is to continue to behave professionally and demonstrate trustworthiness. I have been involved in a similar situation with a peer who felt I "stabbed one of her friends in the back" to get a promotion. Up to that point, she and I had an exceptional working relationship. Because of the circumstances, I wasn't able to share with her what really happened and, of course, she didn't know the whole story and probably never will. For many months after my promotion she was very distant and sometimes stood as a barrier to work in my area getting done. It was a precarious situation. However, during that time I continued to behave professionally and, over an extended period, we were able to rebuild a relationship; this timeline was hers, not mine. Be patient and recognize that if you try to tell your side of the story and help the other person understand why you got the new title, it may seem insincere or condescending.
Thanks so much to you both
Thanks so much to you both for sharing your experiences and excellent advice. This really helps my perspective on the situation.